


Aching to be free

by Anonymous



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dark, Discussion of Abortion, Hurt Poe Dameron, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Kylo Ren is Not Redeemed, Mpreg, POV Poe Dameron, Poe Dameron Hurts So Prettily, Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Rape scene is before the actual fic but very much hangs over the whole thing, Reylos dni
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-13
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 07:14:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,603
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22699987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: Poe Dameron can still feel the last faint traces of his heat within him when a Stormtrooper announces that he is to be taken to Kylo Ren.Poe doesn’t know if he’ll survive any more time with Kylo Ren.
Relationships: Past Kylo Ren/Poe Dameron
Comments: 10
Kudos: 109
Collections: May The Anon Be With You: Forever Anonymous Star Wars Collection





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before this starts, I would like to say to say I had no input in this, my hands wrote it without my consent.
> 
> Also just in case you didn't look at the tags, Kylo Ren is bad in this and there is 0 chance he will be redeemed. I'm not saying this as opinion regarding the movies or anything: if that's your thing, that's fine. But please don't leave shitty comments defending him here, because this is not that fic.

Poe Dameron can still feel the last faint traces of his heat within him when a Stormtrooper announces that he is to be taken to Kylo Ren.

Poe doesn’t know if he’ll survive any more time with Kylo Ren.

Poe wants to shout, to scream, to flail, to _fight_ , but he has no strength left within him. He hurts. He can barely even walk without the Trooper’s arm holding him up, guiding him.

But then the Trooper pulls them into an empty room, pulling off his helmet and pleading with him earnestly. The Trooper is a beta, his scent calming and peaceful and _nothing_ like Ren’s.

He needs a pilot. Poe is a pilot.

Poe doesn’t know how well he’ll be able to fly, right now, as he is. He feels like all the different parts of him are disconnected. But there’s nothing he can do but try. He needs to get away. Away from the Finalizer, away from _Ren_.

The Trooper doesn’t have a name, only a number, Poe finds out as their stolen TIE fighter hurtles through space, dodging enemy fire, heading towards Jakku and BB-8 and the mission, the only thing that he’s letting himself concentrate on right now. Somewhere in the midst of whatever is happening in Poe’s head right now, he knows the pretty beta cannot possibly not have a name, especially when he’s the reason that Poe isn’t going to be r-

FN, Finn. A name. He suggests it, and the Trooper, Finn now, willingly takes it. That’s good.

They’re entering atmosphere now, the sand of Jakku spiralling towards them and no, Poe should have known he wouldn’t be able to do this, he can barely think. He’s the best fighter in the galaxy but he’s still in heat-brain and everything _hurts_ , kriff, it hurts so badly.

There is sand. Poe wakes up, finally shaking the last of his hear from him, and there is only sand. No Finn, no TIE, not even his _jacket_.

Poe needs to get off this planet. He can find BB-8 later.

He pushes himself up and towards, hopefully, civilisation, obstinately not thinking about the fact that he has just killed the man who saved his life.

When he finally makes it back to the Resistance, he doesn’t tell anyone what happens. Just that he had to lay low for a while and that they should be able to track BB-8, who has the information that he had gone to Jakku for. The scent that tends to linger from his heats is gone, and there’s no reason for anyone to suspect. He wasn’t due a heat.

Poe is not in a good way. He knows this, and other people can see it too. Still, he doesn’t go to medical, not even when Leia orders him too. There’s too much to do. He can’t sit still and wait and _think_ , because he’ll break apart if he does. Everything is just too much.

He doesn’t even sleep. He needs to, that much he knows. Heat takes a lot out of him, it always has, and heat on the Finalizer… but no. That is the very reason he can’t sleep. The few snatches he gets are full of black masks and alpha stench and _tearing_.

He doesn’t sleep.

It’s fine, though. He’s fine. He’s always been able to function on very little sleep.

BB-8’s signal is tracked to Takodana, and of course Poe is ready to go immediately. Leia doesn’t ask if he’s been to medical yet, and Poe supposes that that is more down to lack of time than any faith that he actually went.

When he’s flying and shooting at the empire, it’s like nothing else. He can forget all his other worries. He’s not the best pilot in the Resistance for nothing.

The Resistance has won the battle, but the war is far from over.

Ren was there, but he got away. Poe is glad, in a way. He can’t imagine seeing that monster again. He doesn’t know what he would do.

The order comes in to land, and that means that he doesn’t have to go after him. Not yet.

Climbing down the ladder from his ship, a shrill beep of binary greets him. Poe almost cries. He had almost given up on ever finding BB-8 again. It would have broken him, if BB-8 had been lost forever. It wasn’t just the mission that was important. He and the droid have been through so much together.

Poe kneels down, fussing over the droid even as it fusses over him. It can tell something is wrong. Poe brushes it off, saying he’s fine. But then, they had been through so much together. He should have known that if anyone would be able to see straight through him, it would be BB-8.

He stands up when a voice shouts his name, only to see the Trooper rushing towards him. His rescuer. Finn.

Poe is shaking a little. He had been so sure that the man had died, that it was all his fault, and here he was, in the flesh. Poe held him tight. Just the pressure of the other man’s arms around him made him feel slightly better. More grounded.

Stars, he shouldn’t feel like this after knowing the man for only a few hours.

Finn is the only person he’s touched since he left the Finalizer. The idea of being close to anyone else makes him feel sick.

They both pulled back. Too soon. Not soon enough.

Poe’s breath catches as he sees Finn is wearing his jacket. It fits him well. It suits him. He tells Finn as much when he tries to hand it back.

It’s because he knows the man has nothing of his own. That’s why he lets him keep it, even though it’s one of Poe’s most treasured possessions. That’s what he tells himself later.

He doesn’t admit to himself that such thoughts couldn’t be further from his mind, when he sees Finn wrapped in something that’s _his_.

Kriff. What’s wrong with him? He’s hurt and _broken_ , and he can’t give himself to Finn like this.

As if Finn would ever want him.  
  


Finn and BB-8 and somehow Han Solo and Chewbacca tell Poe and Leia and Holdo and Ackbar the story of how they came to Takodana. Finn is distressed about the capture of a scavenger named Rey who helped him and BB off Jakku.

Poe pretends that it doesn’t hurt, because it _shouldn’t_. He’s just let himself to become attached to the first person to show him kindness after having been hurt so much, and it would be better for all of them if Poe didn’t let himself get too close.

Then Finn says he saw Rey get carried off by Kylo Ren, and Poe’s world tilts on its axis. Quite literally.

He wakes up to find Leia and Finn hovering over him, eyes lined with concern. Poe lets out an easy smile and a remark about not having eaten in a while.

It’s true enough that, hopefully, Leia doesn’t pick up on his tells.

She doesn’t comment on it, in any case. Merely sends him to the mess to get some food with the order to come back as soon as possible. They’ve got to get this girl back. Maz thinks she’s important. _Finn_ thinks she’s important.

And Finn, as a Trooper – an ex-Trooper – is the most valuable player they have right now.

Poe goes off towards the mess, but he ducks into an abandoned store room before he gets there, arms clenching around the pain in his stomach. He doesn’t think he can eat. He hurts he hurts he _hurts._

And this poor girl, this Rey. Kylo Ren has her now. She could be suffering as Poe had suffered, and the idea burns.

But there are things to do, and he doesn’t have time to hurt in private, or in public. He grabs food and returns to the meeting, any trace of pain wiped from his face. Leia still frowns at him. She knows him too well.

It’s fine, because Poe is flying, just as he always does. There will be no need to see Kylo Ren, no need to set foot on Starkiller, and Poe can calm his mind enough to do what he needs to do.

Flying and shooting and dodging is easier than feeling. Poe will not let himself feel anything until this poor Rey, who he cannot hate because she is with _Kylo Ren_ and he is a monster, is safe.

Time passes differently, in battle. It feels too soon when the final shots are taken, and the call is made for him to return to ground. He doesn’t want to.

He knows that he needs to report to medical when he arrives, because the pain in his lower body become almost unbearable the moment he no longer has to think about the fight. He knows that Leia will drag him there the moment she sees him, because she knows him better than anyone else on the base. But he doesn’t want to go. Because medical will mean questions which will mean talking about what happened on the Finalizer which will mean _thinking_ about what happened on the Finalizer and he _can’t_ , he can’t do that.

In the end, the decision is taken out of his hands by none other than Kylo Ren himself, because Finn is injured and Poe can’t do anything but rush towards medical the moment he finds out, his mind screaming the name that he had gifted only days ago.

Finn has to be alright, he _has_ to be, because Poe doesn’t know what he will do otherwise. Ren has already taken so much from him, he can’t have taken his saviour too.

There is a woman standing at the edge of the room, face crumpled as she watches Kalonia and the droids do their work. This must be Rey. Who else could it be? She looks up when Poe enters and Poe is hit with a face full of _omega_ and a wave of panic.

He rushes over to her. Worry about Finn flies from his mind because she is in omega and _Poe_ is an omega and Kylo Ren is an alpha and Poe’s only frame of reference is terrible, terrible things.

Poe’s hands are flying around her, wanting to hold her tight for her comfort, for _his_ comfort, but not touching her in case she doesn’t want to be touched because stars knows he hadn’t, not so soon, asking ‘are you alright?’ and ‘did he _touch_ you?’ without even pausing to breath or think about the words he is saying because this woman can’t be much older than eighteen and she’s so small and Poe hurts _so much_.

Rey doesn’t answer, but there is confusion written on her face. It quickly morphs into concern.

She grabs his hands and holds them tight, and then she’s in his mind and Poe is _screaming_ but he can’t hear anything, and stars this is just like with Ren, and he knows that she won’t hurt him, he knows because she’s Finn’s Rey, but he scared he’s so scared, and he doesn’t even feel whatever Kalonia sticks him with that makes him fall asleep.

“Stars, Poe,” says Leia, “what has he done to you?”

Poe thinks, half in his dreams, that she’s stroking his hair. She reminds him of his mother.


	2. Chapter 2

He wakes up a couple of times, screaming. Whatever it is that Kalonia has given him is enough to knock him out and finally rest, but the moment it starts wearing off, Kylo Ren is back, looming over him as he is locked down and _dripping_. Fortunately, whatever it is they are giving him is not enough to stop him from waking up when he needs to escape.

It’s a small blessing. One that he didn’t not have on the Finalizer.

Eventually, he wakes up and remains awake. The pain isn’t as bad, but he feels weak enough and lost enough not to pull himself out of the cot and act like everything is normal.

[This itself is almost more worrying to Leia that everything else. She has known Poe Dameron almost his whole life. He was never one to stay still for more than a moment.]

He finds it within him to ask what has happened since… well, since.

He finds out that Han Solo is dead, stabbed through the stomach by the one who wears the face of his son.

He finds out that Rey was fine. Ren hadn’t _hurt_ her like he did Poe, because apparently she is strong with the force and he couldn’t get into her mind. Poe almost wants to resent her for it. She has taken R2-D2 and Chewbacca and the Falcon off to find Luke with the information he and BB-8 had found on Jakku. At least, then, that awful, awful mission had one good thing come out of it.

Well, two, because if it hadn’t have been for, for, for _everything_ , he wouldn’t have found Finn.

He finds out that Finn is awake, and recovering, and that Kalonia thinks it’s unlikely that there will be any long-term danger to him.

The relief is somehow double-edged. He is glad, he is so glad that Finn is going to be alright. But he didn’t get the chance to worry over Finn before, and that fact that now he doesn’t really need to leaves him gasping for air. He feels off balance.

He finds out that that the damage to his own body insn’t too great, that there’s nothing that should cause him long-term damage. Not physically, anyway.

He finds out that he’s grounded, which feels the worst possible thing he could hear. He needs to fly to escape, to get into that mind-set where everything that should trouble him doesn’t really matter.

He tries to say as much to Leia, but perhaps his arguments are less effective when he’s curled up on a cot in medical, barely able to lift his head.

Eventually, he gets up. He’s fine, he has to be. He won’t talk to anyone about what happened, but it’s not like Kalonia couldn’t _tell_ , and of course Leia knows, because she’s the general and has some skill in the force and she’s the closest thing he has to family on D’Qar.

They keep telling him their doors are open if he needs someone to open up to, but he can’t. How could he. He trusts Kalonia with his life, of course he does, but that doesn’t mean he can open the pain in his soul to her. And how could he possibly sit in front of Leia and tell her the things that the monster that used to be her son had said to him, had _done_ to him?

It’s because they’re busy. That’s why he doesn’t talk to them. Of course it is. They’ve got enough other stuff to deal with. They shouldn’t have to listen to Poe’s troubles on top of all that. He’s physically fine. He just needs to get over himself.

It’s a struggle, though, because even thinking about what happened makes him run to the fresher, no matter how much is in his stomach at the time.

The Resistance is moving. It will only be so long until the First Order finds them, especially as all the ships that destroyed their newest terror-weapon set off from D’Qar. People leave in small forces, setting up new outposts, try to recruit more people to their cause.

The utter destruction of the Hosnian system will lead to either a flood of new recruits, or everyone hunkering down and being subservient to the First Order so that such a thing won’t happen to them. Poe can only hope that it is the former. They need all the help they can get.

Poe himself is scheduled to be on the last ship to leave D’Qar, a few weeks after the battle, in order to give him time to find his feet. Snap has taken over the Black Squadron for the time being. Poe hopes that ‘the time being’ is short, except the pain and nausea he feels each time his mind strays to Ren is starting to become ever more frequent. He still can’t sleep without waking up screaming and sweating and shaking. He knows even he can’t fly like this.

By the time they are ready to leave, Finn has achieved an almost full recovery. Poe knows this from talking to other people still left on D’Qar, but he cannot bring himself to go anywhere near him. He hates himself for it, but now thinking about Finn leads to thinking about Ren, or at least that’s what Poe tells himself, and the thing he tells people every time they say Finn has asked after him.

Poe knows his mental state is not getting better and he knows he has to deal with this, but it’s infinitely easier to pretend everything is fine, and to talk to Rose from mechanics about ship parts rather than deal with everything that has happened.

Eventually, they take off. Leia has already gone, because leaving all their commanding officers on a single ship, and the last one too, would be lunacy, so it is Holdo who is in command.

Once upon a time, Poe had thought that he might be trusted with such a thing, but right now he can’t even imagine keeping his mind in one piece for long enough to lead for even half the distance.

Ren has _ruined_ him.

Alarms blare, and the First Order have _found_ them, and Poe is terrified in a way he’s never felt except on the Finalizer.

Kylo Ren is on that ship, and Poe doesn’t even know how he _knows_ that, but he can feel a tugging sensation towards it, and he finds himself resting his head against the cool surface of a fresher, wiping his mouth. He tucks himself into the corner beside it and prays to the gods of every being he has ever come across that they will make it out of this. That Ren won’t find him again.

If he weren’t so weak, so broken, then he might do something to help get them all out of this situation. Instead he waits.

It is Finn who finds him. Finn, who Poe hasn’t spoken to, who Poe can barely _look_ at, finds Poe curled up and retching, and Poe wishes that he felt well enough to _care_ right now.

There is pity and something else in Finn’s eyes, as he scoops Poe up into his arms. Poe tucks face into Finn’s neck, and just breathes, and everything feels a little clearer, suddenly. He can’t remember why he was avoiding Finn in the first place, or if there was a reason at all. Instead, he just lets himself be carried.

He finds out, once they are hurtling towards the closest planet in a cloaked escape pod, that Holdo is sacrificing herself with the ship in order to let the crew escape. It _hurts_. It feels like they are losing more soldiers than they could ever hope to gain.

Poe is shaking, and those on the pod who have known him longest are giving him strange looks. He never used to be like this. Is this weakness?

He can still feel Kylo Ren in the back of his mind, in the pit of his stomach. He’s not sure he will ever be free of his presence.

The closest planet is Crait, and Poe hates it, because that is where Leia is and that is where the First Order are coming.

If Leia dies, perhaps the Resistance will die with her.

They all prepare for battle, except for Poe, who Leia sits down at a command post and tells him he is not to move unless the First Order touch down. She is looking at him strangely, as if he has changed greatly in the few weeks since they have last seen each-other.

Suddenly, her eyes widen, and she clasps a hand across her mouth. She doesn’t say why, though, just squeezes his shoulder and tells him to be safe.

How can he be safe? Ren is coming. Ren is _here_.

He watches on the screens as the TIEs come close to the white salt surface of the planet. Someone drapes a blanket over his shoulders and he tugs it around him, unconsciously.

He is hooked to the screens. He should be out there, helping. He is barely able to concentrate, but he still hates himself for not _doing_ anything.

Luke Skywalker is on the battlefield.

Luke Skywalker has always been Poe’s hero. A Jedi, a pilot, an omega; Luke is everything Poe has ever wanted to be, a symbol that Poe _could_ be anything he wanted to be. And he’s _here_.

He’s here and he’s facing Kylo Ren, and Poe’s eyes are glued to the screen until he is _moved_. He protests. He needs to watch, he needs to _know_. He needs Ren to _die_ and it needs to be an omega who kills him, to prove to him that there are consequences of taking advantage of people, of _hurting_ people.

His protests aren’t heard, or they’re ignored, because everyone is running through hidden passages at Leia’s orders. Finn is carrying Rose, who looks limp and pale. Poe is running himself, rather than being carried. He can do this. Luke Skywalker is here, and facing Kylo Ren alone, and Poe can be strong.

A blast of pain and anger and every horrible thing Poe could ever imagine come pouring out of Ren and straight into Poe, and he collapses to the ground in agony. He can’t see, he can’t think. He doesn’t understand. What connection does he have with Ren, other than a heat spent in terror? Why is he still there, inside his head? Why won’t he _leave_?

The arms that scoop him up are gentle and hairy, and if Poe had been able to think, surely he would have realised that the appearance of Luke meant the return of the Falcon and its passengers.

It is on the Falcon that he is set down, gently, in a bed. He wants to complain. There are already too few beds to go around, why does he deserve to have one? But he doesn’t complain, because he can’t even speak to. His mouth is dry and every muscle in his body is aching. He sees Finn crouching next to Rose, prone and unconscious on another bed.

He wants Finn to come over, to hold him again. To make it feel like everything is going to be alright. But that’s selfish. Rose could be dying.

Rey runs into the bunk-room and embraces Finn. Then she looks around.

Her eyes widen as she’s looking in Poe’s direction but somehow completely past Poe, and suddenly she’s kneeling on the ground beside him. Her hands hover over him for a second, before gently placing them on his lower belly.

She closes her eyes, as if concentrating, then lets out a shallow gasp

When she looks at his face, her eyes are full of pity.

The Falcon takes off.

Ren is not dead. Poe would have felt it.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They settle on Ajan Kloss. At least, Poe does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um wow, thanks people for reading!
> 
> This is where it starts to get more canon-diversion-y, mostly because theres canonically a huge gap in time between TLJ and TROS and I wanted this to happen right afterwards. Also Luke doesn't die because I don't want him to.  
> I just wanted to say that I did actually enjoy TROS and I'm just not using it here for the story I want to tell.

They settle on Ajan Kloss. At least, Poe does.

It is the new base of operations, and Poe is in no state to be flying around the galaxy. Poe is in no state to be doing anything at all.

Finn and Rey and Rose are going off on the Falcon, on missions for the General. Poe should be with them.

Poe can barely get out of bed.

He sends BB-8 with them, though. He hates being without the droid, but at least he knows that they aren’t alone. He’s with them, at least in part. BB-8 always tells him the stories of their adventures when they come home.

They all try to, but BB-8 is the only person – or, well, droid – he’s able to bring himself to speak to right now.

He doesn’t want to think about _it_ , but Rey and Finn both know, and he imagines Rose does as well, and he doesn’t want to see the pity in their eyes.

Luke Skywalker arrives, weakened from the battle but not dead. Poe finds out about this from BB-8 two days before the Jedi himself appears in the doorway.

Luke stares at him, and he feels as if it is the whole world staring straight through him. They stay like that for longer than Poe can count, longer than Poe can bare.

When he eventually has to drag his eyes away from Luke’s, he finds them slightly wet with tears.

Luke asks if he can come in, sit down, and Poe finds himself saying yes.

The old Jedi perches on the edge of the bed and tells Poe stories of the first war, of Tatooine and Hoth and Bespin and Endor. They are the same stories Poe has heard hundreds of times growing up, from his parents, from Luke and Leia themselves.

One time, he and Ben had sat under the stars and told each-other all the stories they could remember, and promised to make more.

The memory catches him unawares, and he breaks down in tears. Luke, unflustered, pulls him up and holds him.

It is the first time he has been able to properly cry since he escaped.

“We’ve sent your friends with the Falcon to pick up your father from Yavin IV.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“Leia, _please_.”

“It’s too late, Poe, they’ve already gone.”

“No, please, _please_. I won’t, he can’t, I. I don’t want him to see me like this.”

“He’ll be safer here, Poe. We don’t know if Be- if Kylo Ren knows, but if he does, Kes is an easy way to get to _you_.”

Poe turns his face away. She is not wrong, but he cannot bear it.

Days pass, or maybe they don’t. Poe has no sense of time anymore.

Poe wakes up at a knock on the doorframe.

His door is always slightly open. It’s a bit of a dent in his privacy, but he doesn’t have the energy to get up and shut it.

He’s barely gotten out of the bed since he arrived.

He turns his head to see who it is that wants his attention. Kes Dameron stares back at him, eyes full of sadness.

He looks so _old_. Poe hasn’t seen him in years and now he’s old and Poe is –

Poe starts crying even as he stretches an arm out towards his father.

Kes lays down beside him, wraps his arms around Poe and crushes him into his chest as if he could protect him there, keeping out all the pain and letting Poe just _live_. He doesn’t say anything, not yet, just strokes Poe’s back as if he’s eight years old again.

Eventually, Poe stops crying and falls asleep, still being held by his father.

[Kes Dameron will not leave his son’s side. The Falcon arriving, with BB-8 on it and Poe _not_ , was one of the worst moments of his life.

He lost Shara. He will not lose Poe too.]

Poe starts to feel a little better, incrementally. Maybe it’s time. More likely it’s his father.

He finally submits to testing from Kalonia. The doctor has been trying to get him to do them since they had touched down, but Poe hadn’t been able to face scientific confirmation of what he knew was the truth.

The baby, the _foetus_ , is healthy. Poe is not. He is underweight and lethargic and he _still_ can’t sleep through a whole night, though it is easier now his father is in the room, as if he somehow guards Poe from the terrors in his memories

He is given a choice. One that is impossible to make.

An abortion is risky, here on a jungle moon with slightly-outdated technology.

Carrying the baby is almost riskier.

He hates it, he _hates_ it, except he doesn’t, not really. He hates Ren, hates that the boy he once loved became the monster who haunts him at all hours, who created a being inside of Poe without Poe’s permission.

He doesn’t know whether he wants to bring another child into the Skywalker line, so caught up in the travails and travesties of the past near hundred years.

He doesn’t know whether he wants to deny this child, _his_ child, the opportunity to _try_.

He starts sitting up more, letting more people in to talk.

Now that he is willing to see them, Finn and Rey and Rose are with him almost the whole time they are on the ground.

It’s good to speak with them. It makes him feel better, to know people care.

He tries not to think about how only Rose knew him _before_ , and even then it was mostly through Paige. None of them ever really knew him as Poe Dameron, best pilot in the resistance. They only know him as Poe Dameron, broken man.

Just when he has almost made a decision, he _feels_ something. He is not strong with the force, but he grew up under a force tree. He knows its touch.

It is coming from within him.

Time passes.

He gets out of bed, and walks around the room.

He’s been trying to eat more. He thinks he’s going to keep the baby. He has a few more weeks to decide, before any procedure would be too dangerous.

He walks down the corridor, supported by his father.

He leans on an outside doorway, feeling fresh air on his face for the first time since he left D’Qar.

One day, finally, he makes it to the mess, and Snap and Jess and everyone look at him as if he’s risen from the dead.

He sits beside them, legs already shaking as though he had been running for hours.

It’s awkward and horrible, until someone breaks the tension, and the conversation is shooting around him and it’s like nothing has changed.

He wants to help again, now that he feels better. He was grounded because of his health, and now he is grounded because of the baby, but the rebellion is not only fought in the skies.

Leia looks so pleased and _proud_ when he talks to her about it. He would be embarrassed, but thinking back to how he has been recently, he is proud of himself.

She hands him over to Lieutenant Connix for training.

Communications is not where Poe had seen himself ending up when he was a young boy, dreaming of sailing the stars, but at least he’s still _helping_.

Only a select few know anything about what happened to Poe Dameron on the Finalizer.

But, he imagines, the clues are only becoming easier to put together.

His grounding, his months of illness, and now Kylo Ren personally attacking the planet where he grew up?

He’s been blocking his scent, but what good will that do that the swelling in his stomach is noticeable beneath his clothes, even though too-large for his now gaunt-figure?

It’s Jess who is the first one who works it out on her own, which he supposes he should have guessed. She is an omega too.

She gives him weird looks for about a week, before eventually coming to see him in his room. He still works fewer hours than everyone else, is still sleeping closer to medical than would generally be expected. It is not too hard for her to find him.

He is sitting up in bed, his limbs heavy, and she sits in the chair that is left by his head for when Luke or Leia visit. The others always end up on his bed with him.

“Poe,” she says, and her voice is kind and quiet and calm and nothing like she normally sounds. “Your heat was due last week.”

His heat. His heat. He had completely forgotten. Has it really been that long?

His hand darts to his stomach, without even thinking about it. It is not flat now, as it once was, and that has nothing to do with the food he has been making himself eat.

Jess makes a small noise, and his eyes dart up to meet hers.

“Is it…” She bites back the words, reaching out and grasping Poe’s other hand. “Poe, is it Ren’s?”

The answer must show on Poe’s face as clear as day, because she is sliding out of the chair and onto the bed next to him, hugging him tight even though he knows that that has never been her preferred way to show affection

She swears she won’t tell anyone, and then she acts affronted that other people knew before her and the squadron, but there’s a tightness behind her eyes.

She is worried, so worried.

They all are.

One day, Luke collapses. He’s fine, in the end. He was just tired.

He apologises to Poe the next day.

Poe doesn’t understand why.

He is in the mess, sitting with the black squadron and the crew of the Falcon, back from whatever crazy mission they had most recently been on, when the news comes in.

A huge swathe of Yavin IV has been devastated.

Not by something like Starkiller. Not by a platoon of Stormtroopers.

By a single man with a black mask and a red lightsabre.

Poe doesn’t need a mirror to know that his face has turned a deathly pale.

He runs over to the main communications room, as fast as he can go. He can see people staring at him out of the corner of his eyes, but his focus is on getting to Leia, on finding out the scale of the damage. On finding out _why_.

He reaches the doorway just in time to see that Ren has recorded a special message for the Resistance.

His legs falter, seeing that masked face again. His mind is instantly snapped back to the Finalizer, to the worst days of his life.

He doesn’t fall, though. Someone props him up. He glances back to find his friends have all followed him. He doesn’t know what to think about that, but he doesn’t have _time_ to think about that, because on the screen, Ren has started talking.

Poe’s whole body freezes at the sound of his voice. He wants to fight, he wants to run, but there is nothing to punch, nowhere to go. All his muscles are locked up.

“Rebels. This Kylo Ren, supreme leader of the First Order. Behind me is all that remains of a certain homestead on Yavin IV. You can see clearly the damage that I can do, if I want to. I might be persuaded to stop, if you give me someone I want.”

There is a pause, clearly part of Ren’s plan, in which whispers break out. Who is it that he wants? The general? The ex-trooper? His former master? The new Jedi?

Poe needs to leave. He needs to _go_. He can’t be in here when he says who it is, because he surely will. But there is no time.

“In exchange for you all to live a little while longer, give me Poe Dameron.”

He must make a sound, because suddenly all eyes in the room are trained on him. He is hyperventilating. In the back of his mind, he knows that this must be bad for the baby. But all he can think about is how he will have to give himself back to Ren, because otherwise so, so many people will die.

It takes him longer than it should do to realise that Ren is _still on the screens_.

“You can hide all you like, Poe, but I’ll always find you. You and my son.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I'm so sorry I wrote the whole fic in like a week, and then completely forgot to actually post this last chapter Yikes(TM)  
> I was thinking of re-writing it but I've lost the drive I had when I actually wrote it, so sorry if it doesn't really make sense.

Secrets don’t stay secret when everyone lives in the same small area.

He knows he’s wrong, because Leia keeps repeating it, and Luke keeps repeating it, and his father and Finn and Rey and Rose keep repeating it, but he cannot help but feel that the attack on Yavin IV is his fault.

He is so, so glad, that they got his father out of there when they did.

He does not doubt for a moment that Ren would have used him as a hostage.

It turns out that Luke had apologised for fainting because he had been shielding Poe from Ren. That small lapse had been all it had taken for Ren to find out the truth.

Poe cannot be angry at Luke, not when he realises the full extent of what the man is doing to protect him.

Poe needs to do whatever he can to protect everyone else.

His past is not secret. Everyone he has ever known is at risk.

The problem with living in close quarters with three force-sensitive people is that they can somehow sense his plans before he gets the chance to execute them.

He is not locked in his room, not quite. But he is also not left alone. Not even at night.

It’s good, in a way. The nightmares don’t come when there is someone to watch over him. It is harder to spiral when there is someone to distract him.

Still, though. He kind of hates it.

They’re right. He can’t go back to Kylo Ren. It would hurt him too much. It would put him in so much danger. It would put _the baby_ in so much danger.

The resistance simply has to stop Ren before he can do too much damage. Before he can hurt everyone Poe has ever cared about.

Poe spends more and more hours working in communications. He is attempting to create secure lines to the people he thinks would most obviously be targets for Ren. Its hard work, and not something he has spent years training for, like some of them have.

But Connix helps, and eventually, messages get sent. To old friends from the academy. To old friends from less _legal_ backgrounds.

No-one replies. He can only hope that they have got the message and are lying low.

If anyone was taken hostage?

He doesn’t know what he would do.

The light, the power, the _force_ coming from his baby has been growing stronger. It’s almost imperceptible, until suddenly he realises that it has changed.

She reacts when he speaks, now.

She.

He laughs, truly laughs, relieved and joyful, at the realisation the Ren doesn’t know as much as he thinks he does.

And if everyone he sees for the rest of the day looks at him strangely when they see the broad smile on his face, well, it doesn’t matter. Let them stare.

There are still bad days. Days when he shuts the door to his room and won’t talk to anyone, can barely breathe with the pressure of the memories that Ren has left him with.

He wishes he could say they were coming less frequently, now, but he’s not sure that’s true.

A message come through from a First Order defector. They say they can’t leave, for their own safety, but that they will give as much information as they possibly can.

Besides, they claim, whoever they are: they’re of more use on the inside.

Poe is the one who picks up the transmission, and so Poe is the one who is now in charge of all further contact.

Poe cannot help but wonder how running the risk of being captured trying to escape is more dangerous than being found out in the midst of treason.

Finn and Rose (and BB-8) are still flying around on the Falcon, but Rey is staying behind more frequently. Luke is training her, making her faster, stronger, one with the force.

Poe is grateful for the opportunity to get to know her better.

Sometimes he thinks that she’s only coming to him because her other friends are away. Or that she feels somehow obligated to do so.

They tell him he should try not to think like that. There are dozens of other people she could talk to on the base, people who could talk to him.

But he cannot stop his brain from thinking what it wants to.

Whatever his brain wants to think, though, it can still be proven wrong.

Rey runs into his room, eyes verging on tears.

“Rey? Are you alright?” He pushes himself up to a sitting position. It has been more pleasant to lie down recently, but there’s no way he’s going to attempt to comfort Rey while he’s staring up at her.

He lifts up an arm, and she sits down beside him and burrows into it. He tries to pretend he cannot feel his heart thumping.

“I… I don’t know. Yes?”

He can’t help but pull away a little in order to quirk an eyebrow at her. (It occurs to him, later, that he’s not felt the pull to joke around in such away for a long, long time. It occurs to him, later, that Rey’s never seen this part of what used to be him normal personality before).

“That doesn’t quite feel like an answer,” he says. She smiles at him, before leaning back into his side.

“It’s… It’s complicated. It’s, uh, Master Luke. He’s my father.”

Poe’s glad she’s not looking at him because he can feel both his eyebrows attempting to shoot off the top of his face. “Right?” He says, instead expletive-ridden incredulity that explodes through his mind.

“No, don’t worry, I felt the same way.” Rey replies, and, ah, the force. For someone so close to so many people who can read his mood without even thinking, Poe frequently forgets that that’s a _thing_. (It occurs to him, later, that the first time Rey had read his mind he had collapsed screaming, and _look how far he’s come_.)

Rey takes a deep breath, and tells him a story, of a child Luke didn’t know about, and then had scarcely believed to be real, and then had never been able to find before he ran away hid on Ahch-To. Of how Luke had worked it out when they were training, but he wanted to find the right time, but it was _never_ the right time, except for apparently today he’d decided that enough was enough was enough, and he told her.

“Wow,” says Poe, when her story is finished, “that sounds like a lot to unpack. How do you feel about it?”

As someone who refused to talk about his own feelings for weeks and weeks as he progressively got worse, he is well-qualified to know when it’s good to _talk_ about things.

And they do talk. They talk about how Rey feels a little bit mad at Luke, except for she understands, in away. They talk about how Rey’s dream of knowing her parents has come true, after she had finally given up on it. They talk about how Kylo Ren had told her that her parents were no-one, and how much he does not know.

“He thinks the baby is a boy, too, so that’s something else he doesn’t know.” Rey gasps, pulling away from his arm and swirling to grin at him, and Poe realises that she’s the first person he’s told. He had been trying to keep it a surprise. He tells her as much, and she promises her lips are sealed.

(It occurs to Poe, later, that he barely flinches when talking about Ren).

There are a few moments pause, and then Poe flicks a crooked grin at Rey. “I guess maybe he knew about you a little, and that’s why he, ah, let you be, so to speak, on Starkiller.” Rey stares at him, and Poe realises he’s sort-of killed the mood. Somehow, he doesn’t stop talking. “I mean, I know he was trying to get in your head, and couldn’t, and that’s part of it, but I, I mean. I just. There’s another reason now. It’s not just that I’m _weak_.”

Rey darts towards him, pulling his head into her shoulder, holding him tight. “You’re not _weak_ , Poe. Not weak, never weak. You’re the strongest man I know.” She keeps repeating the sentiment, stroking his hair and back as he cries.

It’s exactly what he needed to hear.

When he finally stops shuddering, he pulls back, making sure to meet her eyes.

“You’ll be her aunt Rey, you know. Not because –” he talks louder before she can interrupt him, as her furrowed brow suggests she wants to “– not because of what you are to him. But because of what you are to me.”

It’s Rey’s turn to cry, now, tears falling silently as she cannot stop a wide smile for splitting her face in two.

She curls up back under Poe’s arm, and they stay that way in a friendly silence.

“So what did the others say?” Poe eventually asks. “About you and Luke?”

“I haven’t told anyone else yet.” Poe blinks at her. “Finn and Rose will be excited, because they don’t have parents either, really, and I don’t know what I would say to Leia. And besides. I wanted to tell you.”

Poe’s not sure he has words to describe the way that make him feel.

Rey is beautiful. So is Finn, actually, if he’s thinking about it. If things were different, then maybe… But no. There’s no point dwelling on might-have-beens. Things are how they are, and he’ll have his hands full with little Shara-Leia Dameron. But he’ll be surrounded by family and friends, and everything will be alright.


End file.
